On Being Fifty

on Jun 02 in Flotsum & Jetsam by

My buddy Larry’s turning fifty next month and I got some of the kids in IT to help me put together a video montage for the roast next month. I need snapshots, video clips, and on-camera interviews with people who’ve known him over the years.

I already have Larry as a little kid, Larry in Little League, Larry homesick at sleepaway camp and a few video snippets — Larry and his first wife hamming it up in Vegas, Larry flubbing the Haftorah portion of his bar mitzvah, and a clip from Larry’s first wife’s first full length porn film (before she meets the horse).

Oh, this is fantastic: I have footage of his high school English teacher describing Larry before Ritalin when he would look like he was going to explode and then burst into tears! She’s so into the retelling, she gets saliva on the camera lens!

We’ve got Larry’s poker buds teasing him about losing so much money (who says money can’t buy friends!), Larry with a mullet, Larry coming out of rehab, then going back in, and of course the famous mug shot that went with the Megan’s Law incident (below).

I also got a photo of the girl Larry was shtupping for a while while Roberta was pregnant with the twins (boy is she fat now!) which they’re going to fade into Larry and his cousin Teresa in Larry’s pickup arriving for one of his monthly supervised visitations.

I still need any of his letters from Attica (preferably funny ones), a few of those fake Krugerrands he sold us over the years and a copy of one of the citations he’s gotten for soliciting sex from a transvestite on the West Side Highway. See you in a few.


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